You’re So Skinny, I Hate You

I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard the phrase, “You’re so skinny I hate you.” It’s an especially difficult phrase for me to hear, since I was once so fat that I felt nothing, if not hugely unlovable.

What does it mean when we utter that phrase to slender women – sometimes even total strangers? Does it mean we hate them? Is it supposed to be a compliment?

How could “hate” ever be a compliment?

What it really tries to impart, of course, is the idea of appreciation – wrapped up in something FAR less attractive – envy. Make no mistake, envy is NOT a compliment. It is not “appreciative.” If we take the greatest clarifying step, and apply the basic spiritual law that all things divide into either love or fear, then it is pretty easy to see that it simply isn’t love.

“You’re so skinny I hate you,” says that loud and clear.

So envy, thus, is fear. In this case, it is the fear that next to a slender woman, we simply do not measure up.

The most enlightening realization about this statement is when we open our hearts to see that the “hatred” is really directed inward – toward ourselves. It would be a far more useful discussion to say, “You’re so skinny that it makes me hate myself.”

On December 4th, Deepak Chopra posted a huge challenge to all who would listen on www.Intentblog.com. He posted an opportunity to commit to non-violence. Now, if that invitation leaves you thinking, “Sure, I won’t kick any old ladies or get into a back-alley knife fight,” then you need an education in what violence really is. What Deepak explains so beautifully is that violence toward ourselves is not okay either. Not at all. (Below is a short excerpt from the website.)

Q. What does nonviolence in thought and speech mean in everyday situations?
A. It means simply reminding yourself that you have made a commitment and that you have taken this vow. When the situation arises and your tendency is to be reactive, a simple reminder will often prevent you from generating a hostile reaction and by and by you will find yourself creating and calmer more creative response in subsequent situations.

If we commit to a truly non-violent life (or even try), we have to think about everything differently – how we eat, how we drive, what our thoughts are, and how we speak – especially to ourselves. Our language becomes SO much more honest when emotions, like envy, must be examined and omitted. And as Chopra expertly explains in this loving vow he extends to all of us, once we go to this committed place, we can never go back. It isn’t that we wouldn’t “slip” or re-engage in negative-self talk or envy, simply out of habit perhaps – but there is a simple law that things truly, inevitably, only move forward. Once the decision toward LOVE has been made, it cannot be unmade. The rest is just the journey to explore the decision, and in this case, what self-love would mean to us, body and soul.

So what are we to say, when we find ourselves standing next to a beautiful, slender woman – perhaps in what some think of as the scariest place in the world, a dressing room?

Perhaps we simply smile and say hello.

Yours in love,

Laura Fenamore, CPCC, Body Image Mastery Mentor
www.LauraFenamore.com

Fat Chance – Two Tips to Navigating Tricky Holiday Horrors for Food Addicts

For some, having a happy holiday may as well be called, “fat chance.” It seems that no matter how hard we work to insulate ourselves against the issues of our childhood and the home and family who reared us, the tunnel from Thanksgiving to New Years is a mine field loaded with hidden traps, double agents and slim chance of survival without self-destructing or ripping open old wounds and old injuries.

How are we to protect ourselves from harm and mental injury? Do we amputate our past and the people in it? Are we to avoid holidays and celebrations altogether? Perhaps, but at what cost? These are your holidays, and if managed carefully, YOU can create new traditions of love and family.

You DO bring the most wonderful ingredient to that new recipe, after all. That would be YOU!

Your holiday season can look however you want it to. You can bring a healing and vibrant heart and rock solid self-love.

So what is next? And what will your roadmap look like this season of Peace and Love?

As a Body Image Mentor, if I were to offer only two tools to use to build a beautiful, magical holiday this year, they would be support and planning.

Tip #1 = Support Support, Support and more Support. Do you get the picture? Remember, you are building a new experience with the holidays – one where food will not be a double agent – appearing as comfort and haven, but underneath only offering guilt, shame, and blame.

Your new building needs strong supports. It needs a long list of like-minded travelers who will listen, laugh and help you through the rough moments. If you can literally bring one of those people with you to events and places that feel more like combat zones than “home,” that would be terrific. If that’s not possible, perhaps there’s one person at home who does support you. Let them be your oasis. Do not focus on those with whom you must "work” to earn approval or love. Stick with your support person, no matter what.

Before the holidays even begin, start to talk about your fears and your pitfalls with others who walk the same path. Finally, remember that there is an endless stream of love and a strong foundation running through our Earth, through our universe, through every cell of your body. You are a precious child of this life force, and all the support you need is present if you find yourself feeling isolated, or even abandoned, in rough enemy territory.

Tip #2 = Planning Okay, here’s where the real work starts. First of all, plan your food. PLANNING IS POWER. Call ahead, ask what will be served. Bring something you feel good about eating that is in your plan just in case nothing at the party or event works for you. You are not a victim of anything that you choose to do, or any place you choose to go. Do not put yourself at risk to binge, purge or starve. This is the most basic and self-loving action you can embrace.

Next, have an escape hatch and get-out-of-jail free card, even if it’s only for a few minutes. (A loving exit strategy is your highest goal, of course). Have a vehicle or a rescue squad at the ready. Remember, one person might let you down, but a squad, well now you’re talking!

At the very least, feel free to step away from an uncomfortable situation and call someone you feel safe talking to. Keep calling people to reach someone on the other end of the phone. People want to connect with other people and often we are helping the person we are calling just as much as they are helping us. Go to a nearby quiet café haven to retreat, if things get crazy. You can always retire to a quiet room (I have been known to hang out in bathrooms or closets, wherever I can get quiet space), and pray or read some centering affirmations or a spiritual book. Remember food for the soul is what will sustain and nurture you.

These are the basics. They are only the basics. They are the absolute minimum that all of us should consider and achieve if we plan to truly enjoy our holidays for 2008. And why not? The Earth is revolving, and we will not see these days again. By filling our two hands with these two tools, we will find ourselves empowered to keep the food in its right place. A place of healthy sustenance. To fuel us from one beautiful day to the next, creating a lifetime of holidays and celebrations strung together on the golden threads of self-love, self-care, service and camaraderie.

Here is what I want for you.

On January 1st, 2009, I want you to look back at Holiday Season 2008 and say, “This holiday season was like no other!” It was the best holiday season ever because I stood up for myself and for my needs; I followed my heart, said “no” when I needed to, and took better care of myself than ever before. I did things differently this past holiday season, and as uncomfortable as it was for me at times, I did it anyway. I enter this new year feeling freer and better about myself.

That is what I want for you.

I invite you to get started now!

In health,

Laura Fenamore, CPCCBody Image Mastery Mentor
www.LauraFenamore.com

www.BodyImageMastery.blogspot.com

Four Steps to Being Inspired to Exercise

Our bodies are magnificent instruments. Almost without any effort they operate day after day, year after year. They digest, they move, they smell, they feel and they breath. The air we breath. There is nothing in life as simple and as profound as the air we breath. The average person could probably live four to six weeks without food and an average of ten days without water. But air. Air is a completely different story.

We must replenish our air supply millions of times a day. Every breath is the food of life. It is how our cells renew themselves. In fact, oxygen is even a key ingredient in weight loss. Our bodies simply cannot metabolize fat without oxygen and water. It is no accident that our magical bodies, when asked to work harder, demand more oxygen. Energy is metabolized when we work out, and it needs oxygen for the process to work. The more we move, the more air we need. But how do we find the inspiration to ask our bodies to work harder to begin with? That’s the million-dollar question.

For some of us, exercise is a love affair, but for others, it is a chore, or not part of our lives at all.
The very word inspire, broken down to its Latin roots, means to give breath. So finding a team of supporters to inspire us, as we make a renewed effort toward every-day movement and self-care is irreplaceable. It can mean the difference between success and failure as we try to create a life of physical activity and health. Why not build your own team of supporters? A small team. Your personal team can include friends, coworkers, relatives, a trainer at the gym – anybody can be part of the group that in-spires you to claim your right to be healthy and live longer. Next, build a plan around that team.

Try following this four-step recipe for your new life:

Step 1. Invite the RIGHT people to be on your team. Remember, this is the team to INSPIRE you. Don’t ask anyone to join who has a history of criticizing or demeaning you. For this effort to work you will want to choose upbeat, motivated team members who you genuinely enjoy spending time with. Consider inviting those friends you love, but rarely have free time to see.

Step 2. Pick a specific day of the week to MOVE with each member of the team. By setting up these four “inspired movement” sessions, you will not only feed your body, but your soul with thank you too. FOUR days a week, you will have one hour with someone you enjoy and feel encouraged by. Maybe Monday morning is a friend from the gym, and Wednesday evening is your spouse. By setting specific times, you become accountable not only to yourself, but also to your teammate.

Step 3. Plan activities that you enjoy. This sounds simple, but with a friend, exercise becomes playtime again! Saturday speed walks and Thursday racketball. Maybe one of your team members loves Yoga or swimming. It doesn’t matter what you do, just be inspired and get MOVING.

Step 4. Remember that breathing isn’t just about exercise. Pick a friend to really talk to. Talk about WHY you overate, your fears, your hopes for your new body. BREATH and open up to someone. Seek their inspired responses. Conspire with them to make NEW plans for your new life.

The Today Show recently did several shows on life expectancy that looked specifically at men and women living past NINETY years old, who were still healthy. Dr. Thomas Perls, Director of the New England centenarian study stated clearly that part of how long we live is based solely on LIFESTYLE CHOICES. (You can see how your own choices effect your lifespan at www.eons.com.) He stated that exercise is HUGE to a healthy life and to subtract at least FIVE years due to a lack of exercise. He went on to share that the three legs of a long life are: eating healthy, staying active, being social.

So creating a supportive, spirited support team not only turns exercise into fun, friend-filled breaks in your week, it also gives you more years to spend with those friends! This encouragement can truly help you to make the lifestyle changes necessary to live the good life and turn being physically fit into something you look forward to.

The truth is that we simply cannot have healthy bodies without consistent exercise and movement. Our hearts WANT to work. Why not start by choosing your team. You will be amazed at the support, friendship and intimacy you will discover by asking those four people to help you on your new road to health and wellness.

To your inspired life! Laura Fenamore
Body Image Mastery Mentor
www.LauraFenamore.com

One Earth, One Planet, One Humanity

I often think about the prejudice I face as a gay woman and how fortunate I am to be able to choose when and how to share that very important part of my life. When I sense that it is not “safe” to be gay, I can choose to keep that information to myself. I often wonder how people of color, or other nationalities or religions (such as Muslim women right now), face prejudice and judgment every day and find the courage to deal with the pain of not being able to have that same choice. They wear their “minority” on their sleeves, so to speak. Quite simply, I get to hide and they do not.

Call me Pollyanna, or simply call me American, but I want to live in a world where none of that matters. As an individual, I do not care what color, background, sexuality or religion you may be. I love people and always give them the benefit of the doubt. I wish this were the way of the world.

It is 2,008, and gay rights are at the forefront of this election – and things are moving in favor of someone’s right to choose the most basic thing in their lives -- their life partner. However, we know that this far from being resolved. The legality of choosing our partners looms like the blinded woman with the scales of justice. Is she blindfolded to all things but justice, as she should be? Or is she just blind as we hurt one another due to prejudice?

Prejudice and Judgment – why do I care what you think of me? Well, to be honest, rejection is palpable. Like all human beings, the risk and the reality of rejection is that the pain it causes often translates to self-abuse through food, drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction, and low self-esteem. Being gay had a profound impact on my body image and self-worth. I was told I was sick. I was told there was something “wrong with me. What Eckhardt Tolle calls the pain body has, in some ways, taken a lifetime to heal.

There is something “wrong with you.” That’s what our society and even the people closest to us tell us every day. You are gay. You are black. You are fat. You are handicapped. You are wrong. Endlessly, the message is profoundly simple: You are wrong.

And in that wrongness, we kill one another from the moment we first draw breath.

How do we heal this?

· As a nation, we heal it through laws and civil rights.
· As communities we heal it by demonstrating and supporting one another.
· But as a person, the question is always right in front of me. How do I heal the “pain body” and the harm that “being wrong” did to my body and my soul?

Powerfully, thankfully, through hard work, going within, and peeling away the “pain bodies” one layer at a time, I have translated most of my “pain body” into power. So much Power that I get to share it and teach it. Some days I feel like the statue of liberty. Bring me your huddled masses because liberty and freedom are yours. You are not wrong, and you never have to hurt yourself or hate yourself for who you are again. You can be free, not only to be who you are, but to love who you are and anyone else you choose to love.

Where do you begin?

I’ve literally written a book on this. Let me offer one simple tool that costs nothing but a little practice. Stop telling yourself you are wrong, you are ugly, or you are fat. Quite simply, stop the negative self-talk. Every time your mind says what a piece of crap you are for X, Y, or Z reason, stop it in its tracks and say, “I am [your name] and I am wonderful.” Then list the things about you – your core. Such as, “I am a powerful, smart, resourceful, strong, black woman. I can change anything that I want to. I come from a culture of survivors.”

Continue until you cannot say any more.

For years I hated myself for being gay. It was one more reason to shame Laura. Although I live in a world that often feels it is still wrong, I can stand and proudly say, “I am Laura Fenamore, and I am a passionate gay woman. I use my power and deep belief in love to serve others and to claim my right to exist. I am a beautiful woman in a beautiful body. I love myself, and in that, I am empowered to love all people.”

THIS is a good beginning.

To your authenticity,
Laura Fenamore, CPCC, Body Image Mastery Mentor
www.LauraFenamore.com
Laura@LauraFenamore.com

Eating Myself Alive – The “Fat Princess”

There is a particular brand of humor out there where the comedian routinely makes themselves the brunt of every joke. Many of those jokes tend to be about weight, body image, and in general, self-depreciation. The reason that we can all sit anonymously in the audience and laugh at these “put-downs” is that we can usually be fully confident that the star on the stage likes themselves. They somehow embody an air of, “The joke’s really on you, because I’m awesome.” Or at least, “If you don’t like it, lump it.” We never have to stop when listening to Roseanne Barr or Drew Carey and wonder if all the “fat talk” is hurting their feelings. Somehow we KNOW that they KNOW we love them – every single ounce.

But what happens when we touch upon the average person, one who has not been seasoned by life yet. One who hasn’t had a chance to build the needed armor to love themselves in a world that obviously feels it is just fine to be prejudiced against the fat kid on the playground. Case in point? Fat Princess.

Briefly, Fat Princess is Sony's upcoming video game. It debuted at the recent E3 expo to much clamor and a web of criticism from feminists and non-feminists alike. Basically, the colorful Fat Princess is capture-the-flag with a twist – you thwart her capture from the “bad guy” by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake so they literally can’t haul her big butt back to home base.

Fun? Funny? Unlike Drew Carey, the joke is on us. As a society, we decry segregation and prejudice in every way, and then we allow something like Fat Princess to be bought and sold with aplomb. And don’t kid yourself, the princess isn’t 35, she’s a kid. At most, she’s a teen. At a time in their lives when our daughters body’s are changing as fast as their hairstyles and what they need more than anything is reassurance and messages about healthy bodies, we are again allowing society to force feed them yet another message about FAT. And for good measure, this one is all tied up in a story about marriage and relationships.

If she’s fat enough, Fat Princess can remain … what? A virgin? Unclaimed? Unmarried? Ask any professional, and one of the tenets of most eating disorders is hiding from one’s own sexual development. Too fat and you’re safe from sexual overtures, thin enough and you’re so childlike you’re safe as well.

While allowing open dialogues around childhood obesity and healthy approaches to healthy bodies is vital to our recovery as a society, pretending that diminishing our young women is fun and games is beyond absurd.

Do yourself and future generations a big favor. For one week note how you speak about your body in front of your kids – and all the kids in your life. Are the words coming from your mouth self-loving? Or are they self-loathing? Don’t kid yourself; what you say matters. You ARE having an impact, one way or the other. This is not to shame or wrong you. Like all of us, you probably do enough of that without anyone’s help. But it is meant to open your eyes in order to live a new way.

I have no doubt that we, empowered women, are all about creating a legacy of empowered women. Creating an entire generation of self-hating adolescents is both insane and self-destructive. Let’s not feed our girls any more ideas about princesses at all – let’s fill their mouths with powerful, self-loving words about being QUEENS. Queens have power and queens rule their kingdom. Settling for anything less is just a royal flush.

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YOU CAN create REAL transformation in your life and your family.

I am about to launch my third session of my 12-week course, which begins in September. Like sessions one and two, this course will help you create REAL, valuable, and permanent change in your life. It is called: Loving What You See in the Mirror (Crucial Components to Permanent Weight Loss).

I am currently interviewing potential participants to fill the remaining spots for this course, and I welcome you to call me at 415-464-1234 to discuss your weight-loss experiences and goals. I've been there, and my course has grown out of many years and experiences helping others to find their own freedom from binging, compulsive eating, yo-yo dieting, eating disorders, anorexia, etc. You can click here to visit my website to see my story.

The two groups I currently lead are spectacular. The women are dynamic and wonderful. They are calling forth permanent change, they are committed to their accountability partners, and they are embracing their own transformation.

There is still room remaining, so encourage your friends and loved ones to reach out for a phone interview to decide if they would be an ideal candidate for this life-changing program. 415.464.1234


By, Laura Fenamore, CPCC, Body Image Master Mentor
www.LauraFenamore.com

Personal Sustainability - You are NOT Fat or Thin -- You are ENERGY

For many of us, losing weight has been the distracting focus of much of our lives. It has been our limiting, lying nemesis. Our mind says, IF ONLY I were thin . . . IF ONLY I could lose weight.

Ironically, the problem with this thought, from the very first moment, is that weight simply does not get lost. You can’t hide it under the bed and hope everyone forgets about it – or lose it in a closet full of old clothes that don’t fit; because the one who can’t forget – not for a second – is you. And worse, the thing you do risk forgetting is the vibrant, magnificent woman that you are and the incredible life that you are meant to have right now – at this very moment.

As women filled with self-love, the idea of “losing” weight must be bravely replaced with the larger truth … using weight.

Using weight. That is a truth you can wrap your head around and participate in. Instead of frantically waving a magic wand around your belly or rear-end and feeling like your own body’s victim, you can dance and plant a garden or do loving service for others. You can enjoy and love your precious, active life and refuse to be distracted with self-loathing ever again.

Think of your body as a bank. You have simply deposited extra energy that you are now ready (and more than willing) to lose. Each pound of extra weight is equal to 3,000 energy units (calories). Everything we eat and everything we do is simply energy in or out of our bank. Remember, also, the universe does not know “fat” or “thin” – it knows energy. Having stored energy in your body is not bad or good to the universe. It just is. Using that energy in creative, self-loving ways can be a beautiful exploration.

You can boldly strike out on a path and explore a life where living authentically simply means non-judgmentally embracing good health and using your energy in purposeful ways.

If you used to entertain a stream of thoughts such as: I don’t have time to walk today; I have too much work to do to work out; I’m too busy to eat a salad; I’m too fat to go to that event. You can consciously replace them with self-love, such as:

I have enough stored energy in my body to plant a phenomenal garden this summer.
I will use some of my stored energy to paint my house – and then my elderly neighbor’s too.
I am a beautiful expression of universal energy.
I will take in great, living foods that won’t add to my stored energy, but will heal my living body.

Whatever your limiting beliefs are about taking care of yourself, your body and your inner child, these are lies that you simply can’t afford to participate in any longer. Because in the end, it’s all energy, and hateful self-dialog can be as deadly as cancer – just ask anyone with a life-long eating disorder or deep depression. It may not be as easy as throwing a switch, but starting out with a loving awareness of the energy we put out, hold in, or hold onto our bodies is a very real foundation for change.

Your body’s very heartbeat and breath are part of the universe’s energy. Lovingly visualize the many creative, purposeful activities you can accomplish with your personal bank of stored energy. Allow yourself to choose a few longer projects that will lovingly “express” stored calories from your bank. Breathe deeply and brainstorm. Include expressions of loving service to others.

It’s your energy bank and YOUR life, spend it wisely.

Laura Fenamore, CPCC, Body Image Master Mentor

http://www.laurafenamore.com/
Laura@LauraFenamore.com
415-464-1234